i had a terribly night sleeping last night..
seriously terrible.. my eyes juz wont shut..!
my brain juz can't stop thinking..!
no mood for everything 2day..
push my doc appt..
no joggin due to rain..
rot wif my thoughts..
so let my thoughts do the talking 2day..

ever since i drop from express to na in sec1..
i've always see the gap between me & my fellow classmates..
im juz guessing juz becuz i've drop to NA.. it doesnt mean im a bad guy?
and i dun see de reason i shld been avoided by u guys..
i drop to de worst NA class..sec2..
it wasnt fun.. i tried to mixed back wif my sec1 ppl..
everytime i see on their faces.. one word.. '' reluctant ''
it let me no other chioces but to hang wif my sec2 NA ppl..
u think its fun?.. hell no..
i had ppl jio-ing me to join gang.. all those..
its sth nt pleasent & irratating..
lucky becuz nt every 1 in my class are bengs & lians..
i managed to hang out wif a small group of ppl..and eventualli made it to sec3 best NA clases..
the 1st 6mths are awesome.. used to hang out wif a group of guys..
but ltr becuz of im sensitively to things ard me..
i was ltr being hated for being sensitive to jokes.. calling father mother names..
u may think its fun on silly.. but the one being pick on doesnt feels the same..
and after since.. i nv hang out wif them.
i tired to go back to my sec3 express friends.. they were so far away from me..
i juz couldnt catch up wif them.. or shld i say.. they nv made room for me..
so for tat past 2yrs.. i had to spend every painful recess more or less alone..
v.seldom i have friends siting by.. i used to have pri sch good frends..
who were also the same sch as me.. part of the group hated me cos of my sensitivity..
and every time when i walked him.. the normal route i walk home will cross a bbal court..
and every time when i see the group of my pri sch frends playing there..nt telling me..
i feel so hurt.. like no 1 bother to call.. or even they called me..
i would have to talk trash talking from them.. ''wah sian.. he come i dun come..''
i nv felt so left out for de past 2 yrs..
juz think for 2yrs.. every day is like that.. i nv realli went out wif frends..
my handphone is like no handphone.. my msn list so many ppl like no msn..
u noe that kinda of feeling.. hatred ard u.. lonelyness ard u.. is so incredible..
worst..im the onli child..
i have thoughts of commit sucide.. many times.. it led me crying in my bed..

and 2day im gonna let it all out.. and u sure wanna noe y i din commit sucide..
cos im have been expectating the day every since sec 2..
i have been expecting a turn or sth to happen that would change my life..
where every 1 could still accept me as a frend again..
i had once again encourage myself over & over again after every fall..
cos thats all i've got where no 1 other then my parents concerned me..
i had to be de onli one shivers in storms.. hoping someone to hold an umbrella for me..
i had to hide my ''xin shi'' inside me that let bleeding wounds..
cos there wasnt realli ppl would will listen and help..
i had to fight problems even when im injured..
cos there wasnt no 1 shielding for me..
when i fell sick.. no 1 in sch keeps notes or tells me what work is given in sch..
at tat point i alreadi come to a conclusion to give up hope in my life..
simply by joining gang..

but i rejected gang offers over & over again cos im
so looking forward.. expecting one day someone will understand me..
hoping one of u will noe y am i juz the way i am..
im sensitive to things ard me cos u guy's actions started in sec 2 made me became what i am..
its not sounding im standing still waiting ppl to take action..

during the yrs i tired approaching ppl..showing care & concern..
i wanted to foster a better relationship wif ppl where by..
hoping that u would do the same..care abt me..
but nv..! and i found out i have been seemly to be every 1 problem solver..
when ever u have a problem u juz come up to me.. and when i helped u solved it..
it goes like thank you SO much.. bye bye..
yes i would love to help u.. but couldnt u be a little.. u noe?
does it hurt to spend juz a few moments to show ur concerns..
words like.. '' so hows life '', '' hows things happening lately ''
u guys simply fk up wif my past 4yrs..

becuz of all these incidents.. from the cheerful boy yrs ago have changed into a EMO boy..
im so nt the type of telling.. hey im having a problem.. like this..
i would keep it to myself.. hoping ppl to come concern..
if not..my mood & the way i speak will show..
im nt the guy will react to things normall..
in every situation.. i have to put on mask..
to juz fit ard wif them..
cos its jus so not me..
so i gonna say..NO1 .. ABOSOLUTELY NO1..
understands me.. those who thinks they are closed..
so far yet so near..

it has reach my limits 2day.. every part in me has showing signs for me to retaliate..
im gonna say all loud so u guys can hear..
and for those guys who are reading this..
look into ur life..look into ur frends.. look into ur family..
juz take a back step seeing this..
cos if u dun wan the same shyt life as i have..
i hope if ur having any hatred.. ask u self y..be4 its too late..
i hope no1 falls into my shoes..

i always wished for those close frends where can hang out..
chat and discuss problems.. so care & concern to everyone..
helps to shield each other when theres a problem going on..
i wanted close frends but they are so hard to find..
either they alreadi have.. or they dont feel the same as i am..
i wished for more concerns..more attentions..
& i wished tatsomespecial could appear to save me..
but i guess i wont be expecting much any more..
im so tiring on steppin up again..
showing once agains my care & concerns..
im juz gonna say it all..
juz so u noe..

juz may'b someday.. i would be good enuff for you..
; teddies bears dont hug back.. but sometimes they are juz all u've got.. =//